So when I press F12 on my MacBook, I have the following widget running on my Dashboard:

That’s the number of days I (supposedly) have left to my service in the army.

There’s a caveat to this, of course. By my own math, I should have to serve all the way till September 2009, but the government’s website currently reports my ORD to be in February 2009. The countdown on my Dashboard uses the more optimistic (that is, earlier) date.

I have very mixed feelings about the army and the military, and it’s no exaggeration to say that it’s been the primary cause of unhappiness in my life. Everyone has his or her valid views on the matter, of course, but I had the unfortunate experience of being exposed to Schindler’s List and graphic war poetry in primary school, and it’s colored my views on what being a soldier means ever since.

I keep telling myself that national defense is necessary, but my reaction to seeing a person in military uniform is always the same.

That person is evil.

Irrational, maybe. But then again, the notion that honor for country is nothing but a myth was planted in my mind from very early on. And the fact that I have to wear a uniform everyday, with the full knowledge of what it means when war inevitably comes, disturbs me greatly.

Nowadays I’m able to push these thoughts to the back of my mind, but sometimes, on evenings like this when the mortality of everyone I know becomes so real, I really don’t know what to think.

Posted in Personal by jiunwei at July 14th, 2008. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.